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My BIRTH-Day.

Today is the day I was born. How is one reckoned to feel on that day as a middle-aged woman? As a kid and teen, my young birthday celebrations were exciting times. Kid parties, gifts and sleep-overs, and justifiable reasons to party and drink as a young adult.

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What is the thrill when you are middle-aged? It is a visit from your twenty-something daughter while keeping your six-foot distance despite what the news and politicians are sharing and preaching? It is bizarre as I age I find that my big enthusiasm is the privilege to continue and to be still moderately healthy. Many, many people I have known, did not get this opportunity.

In the last few years, I frequently think about where the times went. What does the next few hold, and what do I need. I think back and reminisce about my children and how I could have done better. What they may honestly think of me now and how much a visit can mean when your child leaves your home. I appreciate that my parents, mainly my Mom, would have felt the same when we did not come around- or look for advice. It eats at your heart a bit when you no longer feel needed.

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My Mom prepared Sunday suppers for years- and now I grasp why. It was to retain us arriving to visit. To keep the bonds secure and to bring together all the grand-kids. I praise her for that. I sometimes grumbled at the time but was immensely proud and thankful when I was short on food, needed company, and was very lonely. Without that, as it is understandable now – my brothers and I never gather anymore. Sad but true. When I think about my days, I question what it would be like with different choices as I surely know the consequences of decisions now.

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My big hope is to have life remain as it is—no more loss or illness and the continued capability to work-from-home. Working from home allows me to maintain my wellness while spending time doing what I love. My goal this following year is to prepare whatever I can to continue remaining at home. Freedom is valuable, and as my anxieties have progressed along with my insecurities – I need to stay working at home in a self-created environment where I feel secure, comforted, and, most importantly, an enjoyable workable space.

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