Reflection for Today
No machine can last forever without periodic maintenance. Some of this can be done while the machine is in operation – oiling, tuning, cleaning. Other types of maintenance require “down time”. In working the program, some steps are “operating” steps and some are more likely to be “down time” steps. Steps One through Three, Ten and Twelve are important in our operating maintenance. Steps Four through Nine may require down time. Step Eleven is a sort of bridge between and helps us know when down time is needed.
Meditation for Today
May I keep on top of what is happening enough to know when I need down time. May I plan some down time in the near future to do some preventive maintenance work on my program.
Today I will remember
I cannot afford not to take periodic down time.
Excerpt From: Emotions Anonymous. “Today.” Copyright 1987
I give my machine the permission to do nothing. Do nothing, go nowhere, avoid, put on hold, procrastinate, make no decisions, and commit to nothing. Personally, if I need a few low or dark days I don’t ignore it or avoid it – I sit in it and I reflect.
I acknowledge, recognize and I remember the darkness. The horrific feelings of hopelessness, the “I am not good enough”, the “I am a terrible mother”, the “who would want me” – I am old, gray, fat and crazy.
It is in the memory of the cloud, I am reminded that I cannot visit long. Long visits equate to prolonged illness. Illness that requires someone to care for my child (children), to run my household, and to do for me what I cannot do for myself.
This is why I allow myself three days. Three days of self-pity, tears, putting ‘stuff’ on hold, hamster wheel thinking, the ‘I hate myself‘, the ‘I just want to end it‘ and the ‘ I want to drive away and not come back‘. Three days is all I have – NO MORE.
I apologize to my partner, my child (children), and anyone close to me that I need to. I force the shower through tears. I make the meal despite the little energy. I walk the dogs even if it is not long. The important thing is that I begin, I start, and I take the necessary steps towards mental wellness and recovery. This is my struggle, and damn it, what a struggle it can be.
I seek peer support. I find comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone and that recovery is possible ….. it starts with me.