I stand. I stand before you uneasy and afraid. I stand trembling. My throat is dry ; my hands sweat. My voice soon to quiver. I stand. I stand before you with no positive self-image. No love for me. I judge what is ‘wrong’ and not what is ‘right’. It blankets me. I stand. I… Read More
Today I am unfeeling. I do not hate this unemotional state. In a freaky way it is a vacation from my usual hamster wheel of an existence. I am existing in a dark limbo state, a pause, an escape. The numb before the cloud. I feel comfortable and uncomfortable. A familiar place of uncertainty. My body… Read More
Dear Sweet Lord.. I am…Passionate and Assertive; Sensitive, Strong & Courageous;Bold & Shy; Honest, Open & Willing;Certain & Uncertain.Motivated & Energetic.Forever Young & as Old as Methuselah;Low Energy & Sad;Insecure & Confident. I am…. Simply me. Like me or Leave me.Label me & Judge me. I do know I am happy;and the rest is BULLSHIT.
Reflection for Today Today is my spouse’s birthday. The best gift I can give him is to let him be himself – not try to change him. He has the same rights as I do and is entitled to make his own decisions, whether I think they are correct or not. Criticism is a major… Read More
I can see him in the distance. I towards him. Him towards me. My heart begins to beat faster. My step gets a little lighter…. I cannot hold in the massive SMILE that infects my face. I walk faster. My face hurts. I can see him smiling … I can see him speeding in pace.… Read More
Hello, I am powerless over my emotions today. I find myself giddy as I think about my financial future. I never really worried about finances for fourteen years as my employment position was full-time, reliable, was advancing, and was satisfying. My work environment and ‘the work’ changed resulting in my poor mental and emotional health.… Read More
It is 3:29 am and I will soon be crawling into bed. My online delivery store closed at 3 am, therefore my ‘working’ scheduled hours are late. However as a small business owner, my work is never really done. It is not like you can turn the thoughts off, the worries off, and the financial… Read More
July 17 My written inventory must be thorough, going back to my earliest memories, because this is where the root of my problem is. It was in childhood I developed a pattern of behavior which I thought would protect me from hurt, assure me of financial and emotional security, and gain approval and praise for… Read More
Hello: This morning I ate two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. Chocolate Fudge Brownie & Cherry Garcia. The store closed at 3am, yet, it is 6:30am and I am still awake. I don’t think he wants me to crawl in bed with him. He has not spoken to me since 12:30am. I feel emotionally numb,… Read More
I am the problem I have adjudged. I provoke the turmoil and pain. Tears. Uneasiness. Low self esteem. No self-worth. I recognize childhood when my Dad was the problem. I was absolute in deliberating that I would never be the same. Learned behaviour. I am the problem. I accept this today.
I sit in my car clutching the car steering wheel in my driveway and cry convulsively. I want to drive and not come back. Mentally I shame and discredit myself when I examine the things I have said. The guilt is paralyzing. I want to ESCAPE. How disturbing to resign from life and household responsibilities… Read More